20115
So here’s the link for all the parts so far to remind you of the story.
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And here’s the teaser for the next part:
And yet I cannot fathom what You have done from the beginning to the end…
Inspiration, for writers, you cannot force them to come out. Like in my case, I’ve been dying to finish the untitled story of Raphael and Elle. But somehow I couldn’t find the ending I want. Couldn’t write anything good. And since I always base my writings on my everyday life, well, my life just hadn’t been interesting. At least, not interesting enough for this cheesy love story.
I first started writing this story as just some short story to pass time. Then my best friend asked me to put her in the story. I told her this was gonna be such a cheesy love story. She didn’t mind. So I made it cheesiest. I put my mind on this, and it turned as one of my worked writings.
So this story is nearing its ending, and I’m torn between choosing a happy ending for it or a sad ending. Because you know, as much as I want it to end happily, things don’t always go as you want in this world.
Anyway, Chapter 5 took years to write. Each paragraph I wrote really hesitantly. I don’t want this story to end… like, 영원히 너와 꿈꾸고 싶다.
Anyway, here’s Part 1 of Chapter 5. Part 2 of it will be the last part. Enjoy.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil?
I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart;
yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. The fear that engulfed me was something I can never understand. The surrounding darkness that is unimaginable to human mind. It was like the feeling of falling. The feeling of despair.
Have you ever been dreaming, when suddenly you woke up feeling like falling? When you suddenly grasped the bed sheet and droplets of sweat like the morning dew were all over your body? When you heart raced in shock and your mind messed with you? The feeling of falling into a deep, black, pit. Time seemed to stop, it felt like forever.
Maybe that’s what Saul felt when he fell from grace. Maybe that’s what Lord Jesus felt when he shouted, “אלי אלי למא שבקתני [ēlî ēlî lamâ šabaqtanî]”. An absolute absence of good; the complete presence of evil.
And that’s what I felt.
There are many stories about people who had an encounter with the force of evil. And those stories usually doesn’t end in a good way.
It was a heavy feeling, pressing and at the same time piercing right through the heart of the body. It was that kind of feeling that makes you shiver out of cold and at the same time out of fear. It was the devil himself.
The scripture refers to him as the light bringer, the son of the morning. But what I felt wasn’t as warm as the morning.
I feared.
I searched for Raphael. I looked around in horror for my guardian angel. He was nowhere to be found.
I called God.
I screamed at Him.
But there was only silence.
Is that what Elijah felt when he screamed to the wind?
The feeling of negligence.
Where were you, Raphael?
You told me you’d always be there for me!
Damn.
I feel like it was all for nothing. I feel stupid for letting my heart skipped a beat when I see you. I feel stupid for smiling at those empty spaces I thought you were there. I feel stupid for letting myself rely on you, on your kindness, on your happy smile, on your cheerful dances…
On your overflowing spirit and passion…
On your stupid jokes…
On the cute doodles you give me every now and again…
On every little presents that always catch me in surprise…
On those cheesy text you send me…
On those faces you make when you’re with me…
I start to tear up.
What am I thinking? What am I feeling? Ah… I get it. This is hate. I’ve never thought I’d bring myself to hate you, Raphael. But what can I do?
I can’t help to think of how much I hate you. Did you know how much it hurts when I realized you weren’t there? Did you know I was trembling in fear, knowing you weren’t there to hold my hand? This is hate. Yes… this is hate.
Fear is the path to the dark side: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
“And to think that the Devil himself would pay someone a visit in this time and age. The idea in itself is so thoroughly surprising,” Gabriel says.
“He is watching. He is still watching our little angel down there. I can tell he is interested,” says Uriel. “And that’s why he paid the girl a visit. He wants to see what will happen.”
“Well, then. I wonder what’s so interesting about this Raphael. But still, I just can’t believe that God could let that kind of thing happened. I haven’t heard of the Devil coming into contact with human since the suicide of Judas.” Gabriel sighs.
“You forgot the black death.”
“It doesn’t count! He was meeting with the Lord of Rats, and we all know the Lord of Rats isn’t human.”
“Then Hitler’s holocaust?”
“He planted those crazy ideas in his head while he was sleeping. They didn’t meet eye to eye.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that his presence was in contact with a human. The solid proof is that mustache of his. Deep inside, Hitler’s soul recognized the fact that the Devil had paid him visit. He unconsciously shaved it to resemble that man’s mustache on the Devil’s cigarette box.”
“Ah yeah, the Devil always smokes that cigar. I never thought of that. You pulled a good one on that, Uriel.”
“Don’t you think we’re getting too far off topic?”
“Yeah. I guess so. Not that we can do anything by discussing God’s decisions, though.”
“Well, He is the all-knowing. It’s best to trust Him with anything, right?”
“Yes. Absolute thing.”
“Ahhh, we’re slacking off too much lately. Gotta maintain our composure.”
“Sure thing, sure thing.”
But beware. Anger, fear, agression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
The Devil smiled a devilish smile as he watched the whole scene that was happening far, far down the earth. Only God knows what he’s thinking about. And as the clouds covered up the radiant moon, the whole night became darker and darker every single minute.
“Elle…” Raphael tried to approach Elle that was coming out of the shower.
Elle ignored Raphael, not even glancing at him. She went straight to her bed, turning her back on Raphael.
“Elle, I’m really sorry.”
No answer. The room was full of silence for many minutes.
“Then, I’m going to be at the balcony if you ever need me.”
No answer again. Raphael slided the door cautiously, then sat there, out at the balcony. He looked at the stars, but he couldn’t locate neither Alnasl nor Nunki.
I’m not shining anymore, am I?
The thoughts of Elle crying right before him made the night so unbearable. The stinging pain in his chest became more and more painful as the night became more and more darker. More into the night, thousands of thoughts came to his mind, all concerning one single lady who was there lying on her bed, crying herself to sleep.
What am I to do? I don’t even know what was going on. God. God. God. Please tell me what happened. Is this your doing? Are you not to take any responsibility to what was happening? Tell me what I should do, or at the very least, tell me what happened.
And God answered his prayer.
It was white, all white. No single speck of dust, nor anything other than bright white, surrounding him all over. It was this feeling. The feeling like that that he felt on the night he died.
Raphael gazed upon the ceiling. There was no ceiling. But it wasn’t sky either. There was something unusual about that place. Like, there was freedom surrounding. The space above was even freer than the bright blue sky.
“Raphael, it’s been long.”
Something sounded very dear to Raphael. That voice, was surrounding him. All over him. And the presence of God hugged him very warmly.
“God.” Raphael gazed the ground under. He couldn’t look up. He felt disappointment, and at the same time dependance. He was not happy with the way things were, but he understands clearly that only God could enlighten him about what had happened. Only him, especially after the sudden silence of Elle.
“So what it is that you wish to know, my son?” Again the warm voice come gushing into Raphael’s consciousness. Sweet as honey, enthralling as ever.
“What exactly happened, God?”
“That, I cannot tell.”
“What do you mean, you cannot tell?” Suddenly something wild emerged from Raphael’s belly. Something hot, something untamed, moved from his belly to his chest, and it felt like his chest wanted to explode. He unconsciously raised his voice. “I don’t understand! I felt something bad happened. I know something bad happened! Something evil! Like all your schemes! You never tell, you want us all to understand but you never for once explain to us! She was crying, for God’s sake, she was crying! I’ve never seen her cry like that!” He exploded. His face was reddened with anger. Anger that had vanished the first time he came to that place. “TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”
“I beg your permission to restrain this person and banish him from here, Lord.” Suddenly stepped up an angel so tall, so composed. “He is a disgrace to this holy place.”
“Sit down, Michael.”
“…My Lord.”
And there was silence. Raphael was set back. He hesitated.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart,” The Lord said.
“…what was that?” Raphael squinted. There was something calming in God’s words, something so dear, something that he thought he had known all his life.
“…nothing.” God replied. “Just something I once said to someone a long, long time ago. Anyway, I know you have questions, I know you have doubts. I know that, but this time I’m asking you to just believe in me. To just believe. This one time, Raphael, my son. All your life you’ve been refusing to believe in me, now is the time to prove otherwise.”
Suddenly he felt dizzy, suddenly he wanted to just vanish. He sensed truth in God’s voice, but he just didn’t want to back down.
“…I can’t, Lord. I can’t.” Tears started running through his cheek, and he was surprised. It’s not like he wanted to cry, it’s just, his soul cannot deny the truth in God’s answer and how selfish, how wrong it was for him not to do what he was told. “…I still can’t. I refuse to just be your puppet, not knowing anything, to just be another pawn in your chess table, I won’t.”
“Then go.” Still calming as usual, but with a sense of strictness you can feel in a father’s voice, God said. “Disappear from my presence, now.”
Raphael felt his soul transferring. Again tears dropped from his watery eyes.
“And Raphael,” God added. “What you are about to do, do quickly.”
And it was black.
Again Raphael found himself in Elle’s balcony. Rage and despair fell upon him.
Shit. What should I do now?
He stood up.
I’m going to apologize to Elle one more time.
He walked towards the door.
No.
As soon as Raphael touched the door knob, Satan entered into him.
NO.
A thunder roared. As if the hate of all mankind took over him, Raphael flew with such force into the night sky, scattering the black clouds that were lurking here and there. On the ground below, raindrops began to fall heavily, drenching all consciences with despair.
“JESSEEEEEE!!!” Raphael roared, making the thunders seemed like a lullaby as he arrived in front of Jesse’s door.
No, I can’t. He has nothing to do with this. It’s not like he’s at fault.
Of course he’s got everything to do with this! He was there when it took place. He was with her! Or maybe, has it ever crossed your thought that maybe he was the reason of the distress Elle experienced? That maybe he made Elle hate you like this? Ah, he must wanted to make Elle all his.
No! I musn’t!
Yes, you must. Yes, maybe he wanted to get rid of you. That’s why he made Elle hate you. He wanted you to disappear.
“JESSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He roared again.
He was panting, out of breath. The rain poured down on him, drenching the beast that was standing in front of Jesse’s door.
The boyfriend came out of the door.
End of Chapter 5.1
